i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
