look no pants
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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