I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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