First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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