Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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