I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
