Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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