I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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