I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
