I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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