in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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