am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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