..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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