I'm eating all of the evidence.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
