Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just gift wrapped bread.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
