There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
