I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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