I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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