dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
