Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
