He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
