her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
