We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
