So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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