I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
