There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
