i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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