I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
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