So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
