I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
