Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
