she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
