i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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