in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
