dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
