And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
