I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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