Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
