peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
