nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
