Umm I'm too high to move.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
