This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize