i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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