the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
