I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
