Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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