hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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