we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize