and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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