I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize