Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
