Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
