I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
