My nipple is on Facebook.
4 words: hood of his car
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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