I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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