Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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