Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
