I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
