dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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