and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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