When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
