Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
