I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
