I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i would punch a child for taco bell
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
