everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
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