I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
